The phrase, “background check,” has a negative connotation. I am sure most of us get nervous when we think that someone we are dating would check our history or interview people close to us. When we are dating someone, we are, of course, interested in everything about them. However, if we were to go ahead and conduct a “background check,” it would be like going against our dating partner’s trust. Most of us would call it “snooping.”
That is the extreme perspective of background checks. Let’s pause and define background check for the purposes of this article. It is more accurate to call it a “context check” because the word “background” seems to express history. On the other hand, “context” includes information about a person’s history, family, and friendships. It involves asking questions to your date, as well as people close to him/her. Background checks are commonly and unconsciously conducted by us in dating relationships. While dating, we are in a continual background check process, usually asking each other questions about each other. Many times, we are acquainted with our date’s friends and family. We could actively ask questions, or we may find ourselves listening in on stories or information about our dating partner.
I would encourage such behavior! I would even encourage a few family, friends, and pastors that you trust be involved in this part of the dating process, if not the whole dating process. They should be mature and be able to maintain the dating atmosphere that you prefer. Now, I know that our western culture cringes at the thought of involving other people in our relationship. It is not critical to have these people involved, but it is beneficial. It provides a door for openness, safety and a second perspective on the background of your date. The timing and intensity of questions should be prayerfully considered. Respect your dating partner’s privacy and maintain a trusting relationship; ask the private and sensitive questions directly to your date and be mindful of how openly you discuss those sensitive topics with people who are close to them.
The degree, speed, and depth of background checks are based on individuals and their relationships. Everybody is different and the same applies to dating relationships. We should remember that our pasts do not govern who we are in Christ now; it only provides clues to all sorts of things in a person’s life. The examples of situations are too varied and numerous to write about in this article. Having discernment and wisdom about what we learn about each other can be difficult and clouded by our emotions. That is why including mature Christians in our dating process is so important. They can provide you with the Christian dating advice you can’t get anywhere else. Your date’s history should not be criteria for judging a possible future with him/her, if we have been saved and are pursuing a relationship with Christ.
The most important is that both partners be seeking God and His will for their lives. No matter, what information we find out about each other, we should be walking in step with God’s love and forgiveness, in addition to Godly wisdom.
